Of Fatherhood

Maybe I'll be a father soon.

Who'd say?

I really don't understand a f* ing thing no more.

"I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours but I think that God has a sick sense of humor and when I die I expect to find Him laughing" - Depeche Mode

Of fairness

It's a true thing that the line separating love and hate is a thin one. I learned it yesterday. Now I'm hated by the person who said a million times she loved me.

Well, I'm tired. Tired of explaining, tired of being judged, tired of hearing things about me I NEVER heard before.

I'm in love alright, but I will not be massacrated. I put my life and my heart in her hands and she throwed it away. How silly of her. She'll never know how much I put aside just for the chance to be happy with her. She'll never know she's the only one. She'll never know how senseless it was for her to be jealous. But she didn't seem to care either.

Anyway, there's not a thing in this world to justify the way I was treated. That'll happen no more. It stops here.

There's a point of no return. People should think well before crossing it. If she did think, I don't know. And frankly, it doesn't matter anymore. I did all I could. The universe is my witness.

Good luck, babe.

It's just so unfair.

Of coherence, fear and the future

Hi blog

It seems the worst of it all is over. My life remains filled up with uncertainties, but I'm now trying to keep it at a comfortable pace. I can't control what others think of me. Nor do I want to. What I have to offer to anyone who wishes to be close to me cannot be expressed in the words of a formal agreement, it can only be LIVED.

I'm trying to respect everyone else's thoughts and reasonable opinions. Who am I to know what goes on inside other people's minds or what determines their actions and choices? Realizing that has brought some peace of mind to me. I am not stable, I can only go so far as to try to establish some kind of coherence for MYSELF.

There's a lot that went wrong for me and I used to blame on fate, other people, "God" 's will or else.

Well, that's not just gonna stop right away, but I'm focused on changing this line of behavior. It did no good for me so far. Stupidity would be to keep on doing what you've realized isn't working.

I AM responsible for most of what happens to me. If it is to change, it is up to ME to change things.

There's been no great insight that now tells me what to do and which way to follow. It's much simpler, it's a question of making the right decisions. I'm still the same, my love for her is still the same, I have no idea of what is gonna happen, but there are certain things I can change.

Effective as of NOW. Because I CAN. And I've ceased to be AFRAID.

See you, blog

(it's) over...

That's it, blog.

It's finally over. Just like that. I'm not going to talk about what seemed to be the reasons, I sworn to her I wouldn't. Not even to you, blog. Sorry about that. I'm a man of principles, although some people may think otherwise. To tell you the truth, I don't know what good it does to me, but that's how I am. After talking to her, I lied in bed for 20 + hours. I thought it'd be better never to get up again. But I did.

They say Nietzsche once said: "Never take hope off someone. That (hope) may be all he's got." (or something like that). Well, my hopes were torn. If Nietzsche was right, now I'm left with nothing. You know, I really believed it could work out. But the decision was not up to me. It never is. I feel empty inside. If I'm to keep on, I must find a purpose. Work, maybe. You see, I'm not interested in anybody else. I really thought we were going to make it. How silly of me to believe.

What am I now? I have nothing, I AM nothing. This was my last bet on finding true love. Now it's been made clear to me that true love is not for me. I'm dead inside. Today the weather is foggy. Fits me well. I can't think straight, I can't see straight.

What do I get for being a righteous man? I get my ass kicked, that's what I get. I always thought she deserved the BEST man to take care of her, to help her be who she CAN be. There came this time when it occurred to me that I could be that man. Turns out I wasn't. Not the best, not the second best, not anything.

I'm not going to fed you up by crying my heart out, blog. That's not me. It is kinda shocking, though, to see how easy things went down the drain.

Anyways, I do still love her. That's kinda obvious, isn't it? I told her many times I'd never felt like this before about a girl. Everytime the phone rang and I saw her number on the display it seemed my heart was going to jump out of my mouth. I guess loving is good after all. I'll remember all the few good moments we had together.

I have all the time in the world to do that now. Just like ghosts do. 'Cause that's what I am now.

A ghost, soon to be forgotten.

A ghost with a torn heart. If such thing is possible.

There's nothing for me out there, blog. That is to say, there's a lot, but I care about nothing. The one I care most is now out of my life. And my life's been taken away from me.

Boo!, blog.

Update

Blog,

After the last post, the day after, well, it was a day to remember, after all.

But I'm here to leave a message (need to go back to work):

"Expect nothing. Analyze nothing. Live each day to the fullest, whenever possible."

That's it.

See you, blog

Oh fuck

Good Lord, yesterday my limits were tested. What the fuck of a day! Problems, problems, problems and, on top of that, some stupid cops stopped me and my father on our way back to his house for nothing. And for nothing they fined me. How much can a man take before he goes crazy? I made a promise to myself that I would do everything to control my aggressiveness and anger - (hey blog, I guess I didn't tell you I suffer from severe anxiety and depression + some violent instincts - not against women or children, let it be clear, and I've been seeing a phsychiatrist for five years or so, and I do take medication) - but life's been pushing me these last couple of months.

In the afternoon I cried my heart out, so badly that I hardly could open my swollen eyes afterwards.

In the evening, in spite of my weak liver, I went out and drank a whole lot of beers.

Today I feel like shit. And there's work to do...

Well, enough with the cry-baby. Let's move on to what must be done.

See you later, blog.

So much...

Sweety,

All I want is to see both of you well. There are no words that can express how much I love you. Whether we'll ever be together I don't know, but that doesn't come first. You always came first. I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me for all my wrongs. I didn't mean any of them. I'm sorry for every time I made you cry. I didn't mean that either. When you cry it hurts on me. Badly. So bad you'll probably never know. God, I never even DREAMED I could love someone this much...