The way of things

People I never thought would come looking for me at this point are popping up from everywhere. I can't say it's not being pleasant.

Although my head is still elsewhere...Anyway, I'm thankful for all kind words I've been hearing.

Why are these things so painful?

Who am I trying to fool?

These last few days I've been growing feelings hard to explain. I've felt anger, disappointment, sadness and I was well driving into indifference, and then I saw the "Hulk" toninght. And there she was. Of course it wasn't HER, but it reminded me of her. And, being an incorrigible dreamer as I am, I soon began to wander of impossible love, romance, eternal love, of how foolish of me to think I'm ever gonna be able to forget her, of how much I miss her. Her touch, her kiss, her smile, her voice...

But then again, do I miss HER or do I miss someone I've idealized, someone she was never gonna be?

Well, according to an explanation about passion I read today on a magazine we both like, it's most likely I miss her. Out of the 6 billion people on this planet, she's the one who can change my body's temperature just by looking at me.

Too bad it didn't work out.

I'm never gonna believe anything or anyone again as long as I live.

Post scriptum

Of course the father thing never got along, let the records show.

After quite some time...

Of "never talk to me anymore" and "comebacks", well, I didn't even think it'd last this much, now it's finally over. I closed my Orkut account, also. After almost four years, It's the end of a cycle. It seems what other people said and thought of us has always been more important to her than any feeling whatsoever she may have had for me. It's understandable. She needs lots of attention, she cares a lot about others, although she says otherwise. Where this comes from I don't know. Anyway, putting other people's opinions ahead of our own feelings seems to show that the feeling itself was not ever so strong as to resist such tests. It's better this way. Better now than later.

The thing that saddens me most is how much I believed. After quite a while, after having thought I'd never have such feelings for someone, suddenly I caught myself in the middle of a thunderstorm. Foolish of me, I thought I'd be able to handle it. Of course I wasn't.

Now I'm lost. I've been planning my whole life around the possibility of having her with me lately, and that's simply not gonna happen. I wish to see nobody, I wish to talk to nobody. I feel rude and empty.

I really don't know where this is gonna lead me. Life is either pain or boredom, so I've read. Nothing could be truer right now.

Existence has become a burden. A burden I'm not sure I want to carry on with.

Forgive me for my English stupidities, blog.

Of Fatherhood

Maybe I'll be a father soon.

Who'd say?

I really don't understand a f* ing thing no more.

"I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours but I think that God has a sick sense of humor and when I die I expect to find Him laughing" - Depeche Mode

Of fairness

It's a true thing that the line separating love and hate is a thin one. I learned it yesterday. Now I'm hated by the person who said a million times she loved me.

Well, I'm tired. Tired of explaining, tired of being judged, tired of hearing things about me I NEVER heard before.

I'm in love alright, but I will not be massacrated. I put my life and my heart in her hands and she throwed it away. How silly of her. She'll never know how much I put aside just for the chance to be happy with her. She'll never know she's the only one. She'll never know how senseless it was for her to be jealous. But she didn't seem to care either.

Anyway, there's not a thing in this world to justify the way I was treated. That'll happen no more. It stops here.

There's a point of no return. People should think well before crossing it. If she did think, I don't know. And frankly, it doesn't matter anymore. I did all I could. The universe is my witness.

Good luck, babe.

It's just so unfair.

Of coherence, fear and the future

Hi blog

It seems the worst of it all is over. My life remains filled up with uncertainties, but I'm now trying to keep it at a comfortable pace. I can't control what others think of me. Nor do I want to. What I have to offer to anyone who wishes to be close to me cannot be expressed in the words of a formal agreement, it can only be LIVED.

I'm trying to respect everyone else's thoughts and reasonable opinions. Who am I to know what goes on inside other people's minds or what determines their actions and choices? Realizing that has brought some peace of mind to me. I am not stable, I can only go so far as to try to establish some kind of coherence for MYSELF.

There's a lot that went wrong for me and I used to blame on fate, other people, "God" 's will or else.

Well, that's not just gonna stop right away, but I'm focused on changing this line of behavior. It did no good for me so far. Stupidity would be to keep on doing what you've realized isn't working.

I AM responsible for most of what happens to me. If it is to change, it is up to ME to change things.

There's been no great insight that now tells me what to do and which way to follow. It's much simpler, it's a question of making the right decisions. I'm still the same, my love for her is still the same, I have no idea of what is gonna happen, but there are certain things I can change.

Effective as of NOW. Because I CAN. And I've ceased to be AFRAID.

See you, blog

(it's) over...

That's it, blog.

It's finally over. Just like that. I'm not going to talk about what seemed to be the reasons, I sworn to her I wouldn't. Not even to you, blog. Sorry about that. I'm a man of principles, although some people may think otherwise. To tell you the truth, I don't know what good it does to me, but that's how I am. After talking to her, I lied in bed for 20 + hours. I thought it'd be better never to get up again. But I did.

They say Nietzsche once said: "Never take hope off someone. That (hope) may be all he's got." (or something like that). Well, my hopes were torn. If Nietzsche was right, now I'm left with nothing. You know, I really believed it could work out. But the decision was not up to me. It never is. I feel empty inside. If I'm to keep on, I must find a purpose. Work, maybe. You see, I'm not interested in anybody else. I really thought we were going to make it. How silly of me to believe.

What am I now? I have nothing, I AM nothing. This was my last bet on finding true love. Now it's been made clear to me that true love is not for me. I'm dead inside. Today the weather is foggy. Fits me well. I can't think straight, I can't see straight.

What do I get for being a righteous man? I get my ass kicked, that's what I get. I always thought she deserved the BEST man to take care of her, to help her be who she CAN be. There came this time when it occurred to me that I could be that man. Turns out I wasn't. Not the best, not the second best, not anything.

I'm not going to fed you up by crying my heart out, blog. That's not me. It is kinda shocking, though, to see how easy things went down the drain.

Anyways, I do still love her. That's kinda obvious, isn't it? I told her many times I'd never felt like this before about a girl. Everytime the phone rang and I saw her number on the display it seemed my heart was going to jump out of my mouth. I guess loving is good after all. I'll remember all the few good moments we had together.

I have all the time in the world to do that now. Just like ghosts do. 'Cause that's what I am now.

A ghost, soon to be forgotten.

A ghost with a torn heart. If such thing is possible.

There's nothing for me out there, blog. That is to say, there's a lot, but I care about nothing. The one I care most is now out of my life. And my life's been taken away from me.

Boo!, blog.

Update

Blog,

After the last post, the day after, well, it was a day to remember, after all.

But I'm here to leave a message (need to go back to work):

"Expect nothing. Analyze nothing. Live each day to the fullest, whenever possible."

That's it.

See you, blog

Oh fuck

Good Lord, yesterday my limits were tested. What the fuck of a day! Problems, problems, problems and, on top of that, some stupid cops stopped me and my father on our way back to his house for nothing. And for nothing they fined me. How much can a man take before he goes crazy? I made a promise to myself that I would do everything to control my aggressiveness and anger - (hey blog, I guess I didn't tell you I suffer from severe anxiety and depression + some violent instincts - not against women or children, let it be clear, and I've been seeing a phsychiatrist for five years or so, and I do take medication) - but life's been pushing me these last couple of months.

In the afternoon I cried my heart out, so badly that I hardly could open my swollen eyes afterwards.

In the evening, in spite of my weak liver, I went out and drank a whole lot of beers.

Today I feel like shit. And there's work to do...

Well, enough with the cry-baby. Let's move on to what must be done.

See you later, blog.

So much...

Sweety,

All I want is to see both of you well. There are no words that can express how much I love you. Whether we'll ever be together I don't know, but that doesn't come first. You always came first. I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me for all my wrongs. I didn't mean any of them. I'm sorry for every time I made you cry. I didn't mean that either. When you cry it hurts on me. Badly. So bad you'll probably never know. God, I never even DREAMED I could love someone this much...

Now I understand

My love,

Coming to think about it, I've (finally) realized a few things (men mature later and slower than women, pardon me). You're much more than meets the eye. In spite of ALL the pressure, all the problems, all the doubts and fears, you made the correct choices and showed much more common sense than one could expect. Looking back, now I understand how difficult it must have been for you and how little did I help.

I wouldn't love you so much if you weren't just as you are. You've definitely found your way in my heart forever. The least I can do is pray for your happiness. Can't remember anyone who deserves it more.

I'll love you forever,

Sunday Blues

There's work to do, it's due tomorrow. I've just had lunch. Thinking about the upcoming week, I can't help but wish time stood still. There are times when tou get tired of problems, phone calls you don't wan't to answer, people you don't want to talk to, places you don't want to go to. That's the life of an adult, though. You do the things you're supposed to, not the things you wanna do.

It's hard to think after lunch. The blood in my brain is descending to my stomach to help the digestion process. It kinda makes me sleepy. I wonder if a quick nap will help somehow. It probably will, as long as it's QUICK. I can't oversleep. Work.

This is the time when people don't understand a depressive mood. I just wanted someone here by my side to tell me everything's gonna be all right. It's not that I don't KNOW it, it's just the reassurance of that person who's so important to you that when she simply says those words it makes all the difference in the world. Leave the hard work to me. I'm not asking for a replacement, I'm up to it, up to everything.

But that special someone would sure make a difference...

Definitely maybe

Sweety,

I've done all I can. Maybe what I did was not my best. But I what I did was all I could do right now. I do not expect to be understood. I'm more of a troublemaker than a troubleshooter. I never meant to hurt anyone. I know I did, though. Maybe I will never be who people want/expect me to be. Maybe there are things I could do about it. The problem is I never realize it until it seems much too late.

Sorry if I was selfish. It doesn't mean much now, but my intentions were the best. I love you with all my heart and God only knows the extent of my feelings. Maybe all your doubts and fears will never let you see how truly and deeply I am in love with you. Maybe the story we planned to write someday about how difficult it was for us to stay together and how we managed to succeed will never be written after all.

It was all new to me, you know. My experience counted little, there were many times I simply didn't know what to do or to expect. When to speak and when to keep quiet. I'm sorry I was not what you probably expected. I never fit into any pre-designed system, with terms and conditions and dates and stuff. I respect your way of doing things, though. I am the one who couldn't fit into it. Maybe someday I'll fit into something. Maybe someday I'll be part of something.

Let it be said, you're the best girl I've ever met and rationally speaking, I don't think it'll ever happen again. Not like this. Anyway, after the things we've gone through, whatever they were, I didn't know we had nothing. I didn't understand it when you asked: "How can we put an end to something that hasn't even started?" I definitely agree with you that it was probably one of the most confusing starts, but it DID start and we HAD something going on.

Now all there's left are feelings. My feelings subsist. My dreams subsist. I love you.

How much it matters for you I don't know.

Love always,